MHAW16- Depression

“I just don’t think I’d ever get depressed, because I don’t have a weak mind. No offence.”

 I can still remember exactly how I felt when one of my best friends said that to me at the end of a discussion about my latest bout of depression. I remember hours later thinking that I should have told him that nobody says that they’ll never break their leg, because they don’t have weak bones. I should have said that putting “no offence” at the end of an offensive statement didn’t make it any less hurtful. I should have directed him to a dozen different sites to show him just how wrong he was. But I didn’t. I laughed and shrugged it off and let it fester, instead. Healthy, I know.

 The thing is that – appalled though I was – I could still see where he was coming from. Before I got depressed, I had many misconceptions about mental health. Those misconceptions made it a lot more difficult for me to get help when I did get ill: after all, if I thought it, why wouldn’t anyone else?

 So, for everyone and anyone who struggles to understand mental health, here is a list of the things I wish I’d known before I had depression.

 1.     You don’t have to have had a traumatic experience or a bad childhood. I firmly believed that A led to B, which made you feel C. As a result, I didn’t talk to anyone; I couldn’t blame anything for why I felt the way I did.

2.     Depression doesn’t necessarily lead to complete inertia. The classic view of depression is of someone in a bed, with not enough energy to move. Don’t get me wrong, I had days like that (actually, I had weeks like that). But I could also go out, interact with people. I used those moments as a way of beating myself up: if I could do one thing, why couldn’t I do this other thing? If I could get up yesterday, why couldn’t I get up today?

3.     If pills don’t work, they’re the problem – not you. The first lot of medication I ever got put on made me feel like I had a constant lump in my throat and, somehow, led to me feeling worse than I had before. My reaction was to use this as a sign that I had been faking, that I did not deserve help and that I shouldn’t bother the doctor any more. But, actually, what works for one person might not work for another: when I got my second serious bout of depression, a couple of years later, I was frog-marched to the doctor, who put me on different pills. They helped. All I had to do was ask.

4. Your friends are more understanding than you think. I suffered – and still do – from a major case of imposter syndrome: nobody would like me as I really am, so I have to behave in the way that is expected of someone that people will like. When you're depressed, that feeling only intensifies; it's as if your depression is an abuser, cutting you off from your nearest and dearest. But, guess what? I told my friends, they rallied round. I told my parents, the world didn't end. You have a support network: use it. Especially in the bad times.

5. Depression is selfish, you are not. I missed friends' birthdays, nights out, celebrations and milestones when I was depressed. Each time it happened, I used it as a reason to despise myself more – and, perversely, made me feel like I was doing people a favour: I was a terrible person, so nobody would have wanted me there anyway. But I wouldn't have felt that way if I had had, say, the flu. It would have been unfortunate, but it couldn't be helped: I was ill. Once I started realising that about my depression, it made me feel less terrible about being a bit of a flake. 

Those are just five of the things I wish I'd known – but the sixth, and most important? I wish I'd known that I wasn't alone. I wish I'd known that there was someone I could talk to, who wouldn't criticise me or try to make me feel better with well-meant but ill-judged platitudes. In short: I wish I'd known about Nightline.

Because being ill and asking for help is never the sign of a weak person. It's a sign of strength. And it's about time people got their heads around that.

- One of our wonderful anonymous bloggers, who we love dearly.

#MHAW16- Domestic Abuse

TW: Abuse, violence, rape

The theme for this year's Mental Health Awareness Week is relationships, and given that, this blog post is about abuse within relationship. You may think you know what abuse is, that it's obvious, but is it really? And would you want to assume you'd notice it in a friend's relationship?

Each week, two women and one man will die at the hands of their partner in the UK. Abuse can happen to anyone, whether the person is considered strong and confident or not, regardless of gender. It can happen in long term relationships, short term relationships, otherwise happy marriages, between people that have only met once. In fact there is a technique called 'love-bombing'- where a partner is so affectionate, so caring, that their controlling behaviour goes unnoticed, masked in love- items such as refusing to let you go out alone or with friends because they love you so much they don't want you to get hurt. Abuse can be subtle or obvious, long term or short term- but it doesn't make it any less valid, and it is still abuse.

Domestic abuse within relationships can be emotional, physical, mental or sexual. It can involve financial or online abuse, control or neglect, all negative behaviours by one individual onto another- whether that's a male to a female, a female to a male, - any combination thereof. It can happen to anyone in any relationship whether it's romantic or sexual or not, to people of any religion race or background, in relationships that seem happy and contented to everyone else.

Physical is usually the most obvious kind of abuse, but it is not always. Pushing, hitting, choking- they might not leave a mark, but they're still abusive. Perhaps someone throws things and will always miss- but the fear inflicted is still present, and it's still abusive. If you fear for your safety, that is abuse. Bruises and marks may not be in obvious places or may be dismissed as simple mistakes- I tripped going down the stairs, I bashed my head on a cupboard- but they may not be. We must take those who speak of abuse seriously, especially because of the courage they have to speak out and the chance we have to get them into a safe environment.

Victim Support UK gives us these definitions of abuse:

• Physical abuse: pushing, hitting, punching, kicking, choking and using weapons.
• Sexual abuse: forcing or pressuring someone to have sex (rape), unwanted sexual activity, touching, groping someone or making them watch pornography.
• Financial abuse: taking money, controlling finances, not letting someone work.
• Emotional abuse / coercive control: making someone repeatedly feel bad or scared, stalking, blackmailing, constantly checking up on someone, playing mind games. Coercive control is now a criminal offence under the Serious Crime Act 2015.
• Digital / online abuse: using technology to further isolate, humiliate or control someone.

The signs may not be as obvious as you'd think they'd be. Many abusers are subtle and manipulative, exerting some sort of emotional control alongside other forms of abuse- claiming they'll leave you if you tell anyone, that they're doing it for your own good, that no-one will ever love you like they can, that no-one will ever believe you. THIS IS WRONG. If you are being abused, or if you're not, someone will always love you, someone will always believe you, and it's never for your own good. No-one deserves to be abused and it will not help you, and you can move on and into a better life.

The first step towards leaving an abusive situation is realising the situation you're in and that it is not your fault. Services such as Refuge, Women's Aid or Men's Advice Line can give you advice on how to safely leave and what to do next, even if there are others involved. 

NHS Choices gives us these questions- if you can answer yes to one or more of them, you may have been in an abusive relationship:

• Has your partner tried to keep you from seeing your friends or family? 
• Has your partner prevented you from continuing or starting a college course, or from going to work? 
• Does your partner constantly check up on you or follow you? 
• Does your partner accuse you unjustly of flirting or of having affairs? 
• Does your partner constantly belittle or humiliate you, or regularly criticise or insult you in front of other people? 
• Are you ever scared of your partner? 
• Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do or say to you? 
• Has your partner ever deliberately destroyed any of your possessions?
• Has your partner ever hurt or threatened you or your children?
• Has your partner ever kept you short of money so you're unable to buy food and other necessary items for yourself and your children?
• Has your partner ever forced you to do something that you really didn't want to do, including sexually?

Remember for a relationship to be abusive, it does not have to be someone you are romantically involved with- it can be anyone, friend or family or otherwise. If someone is treating you badly, humiliating you, treating you like an object under their control, belittling you, acting excessively jealous or trying to control who you see, what you wear, what you do- they may be abusive. Threats or belitting behaviour are abusive. Being made to believe you are worthless, crazy, that you deserve to be hurt or feel bad, is a form of abuse. Being forced to commit sex acts you don't want to regardless of whether you have consented before, is sexual abuse.

IT IS STILL ABUSE IF:

• Your experiences of abuse seem minor compared to others. There is no minor or major abuse, there is only abuse- you are just as worthy of not being abused as everyone else.
• You have only been physically abused once or twice and they promise to 'never do it again.'
• You love them, and they tell you they love you.
• There hasn't been any physical violence- emotional abuse can be just as damaging.
• The abuse has not been witnessed by anyone else
• Your abuser tells you that this happens to everyone
• You feel you deserve it (you don't.)

Emotional abuse is more prevalent than physical abuse and involves making the person feel like they are unworthy, unloved or controlled. It can involve being humiliated in public or in private, methods of control including belittling comments about appearance or behaviour if they are not in line with what the other person wants, being refused access to money, feeling that without that person you are nothing. 

Tactics used by abusers include, but are not limited to:

• Dominance
• Isolation
• Intimidation
• Threats
• Humiliation
• Denial and blame
• Abuse occurring in certain situations and to certain people but not others
• Appearing outwardly charming
• Guilt
• Excuses for their behaviour

If you suspect someone you know is being abused, SPEAK UP. Ask if something is wrong, express concern, listen, offer help and encourage decisions they make. Don't judge or blame them, pressure them or put conditions on your friendship, and try not to give advice. Don't wait for them to come to you as they may not feel comfortable doing so but in the same way, don't pressure them to talk- they may not feel safe or able to. 

If you think you may be being abused, London Nightline is able to listen to you and provide support, and can also provide specific information about abuse and further support you may need.