The theme for this year's Mental Health Awareness Week is relationships, and given that, this blog post is about abuse within relationship. You may think you know what abuse is, that it's obvious, but is it really? And would you want to assume you'd notice it in a friend's relationship?
Each week, two women and one man will die at the hands of their partner in the UK. Abuse can happen to anyone, whether the person is considered strong and confident or not, regardless of gender. It can happen in long term relationships, short term relationships, otherwise happy marriages, between people that have only met once. In fact there is a technique called 'love-bombing'- where a partner is so affectionate, so caring, that their controlling behaviour goes unnoticed, masked in love- items such as refusing to let you go out alone or with friends because they love you so much they don't want you to get hurt. Abuse can be subtle or obvious, long term or short term- but it doesn't make it any less valid, and it is still abuse.
Domestic abuse within relationships can be emotional, physical, mental or sexual. It can involve financial or online abuse, control or neglect, all negative behaviours by one individual onto another- whether that's a male to a female, a female to a male, - any combination thereof. It can happen to anyone in any relationship whether it's romantic or sexual or not, to people of any religion race or background, in relationships that seem happy and contented to everyone else.
Physical is usually the most obvious kind of abuse, but it is not always. Pushing, hitting, choking- they might not leave a mark, but they're still abusive. Perhaps someone throws things and will always miss- but the fear inflicted is still present, and it's still abusive. If you fear for your safety, that is abuse. Bruises and marks may not be in obvious places or may be dismissed as simple mistakes- I tripped going down the stairs, I bashed my head on a cupboard- but they may not be. We must take those who speak of abuse seriously, especially because of the courage they have to speak out and the chance we have to get them into a safe environment.
Victim Support UK gives us these definitions of abuse:
- Physical abuse: pushing, hitting, punching, kicking, choking and using weapons.
- Sexual abuse: forcing or pressuring someone to have sex (rape), unwanted sexual activity, touching, groping someone or making them watch pornography.
- Financial abuse: taking money, controlling finances, not letting someone work.
- Emotional abuse / coercive control: making someone repeatedly feel bad or scared, stalking, blackmailing, constantly checking up on someone, playing mind games. Coercive control is now a criminal offence under the Serious Crime Act 2015.
- Digital / online abuse: using technology to further isolate, humiliate or control someone.
The first step towards leaving an abusive situation is realising the situation you're in and that it is not your fault. Services such as Refuge, Women's Aid or Men's Advice Line can give you advice on how to safely leave and what to do next, even if there are others involved.
NHS Choices gives us these questions- if you can answer yes to one or more of them, you may have been in an abusive relationship:
- Has your partner tried to keep you from seeing your friends or family?
- Has your partner prevented you from continuing or starting a college course, or from going to work?
- Does your partner constantly check up on you or follow you?
- Does your partner accuse you unjustly of flirting or of having affairs?
- Does your partner constantly belittle or humiliate you, or regularly criticise or insult you in front of other people?
- Are you ever scared of your partner?
- Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do or say to you?
- Has your partner ever deliberately destroyed any of your possessions?
- Has your partner ever hurt or threatened you or your children?
- Has your partner ever kept you short of money so you're unable to buy food and other necessary items for yourself and your children?
- Has your partner ever forced you to do something that you really didn't want to do, including sexually?
IT IS STILL ABUSE IF:
- Your experiences of abuse seem minor compared to others. There is no minor or major abuse, there is only abuse- you are just as worthy of not being abused as everyone else.
- You have only been physically abused once or twice and they promise to 'never do it again.'
- You love them, and they tell you they love you.
- There hasn't been any physical violence- emotional abuse can be just as damaging.
- The abuse has not been witnessed by anyone else
- Your abuser tells you that this happens to everyone
- You feel you deserve it (you don't.)
Emotional abuse is more prevalent than physical abuse and involves making the person feel like they are unworthy, unloved or controlled. It can involve being humiliated in public or in private, methods of control including belittling comments about appearance or behaviour if they are not in line with what the other person wants, being refused access to money, feeling that without that person you are nothing.
Tactics used by abusers include, but are not limited to:
- Dominance
- Isolation
- Intimidation
- Threats
- Humiliation
- Denial and blame
- Abuse occurring in certain situations and to certain people but not others
- Appearing outwardly charming
- Guilt
- Excuses for their behaviour
If you suspect someone you know is being abused, SPEAK UP. Ask if something is wrong, express concern, listen, offer help and encourage decisions they make. Don't judge or blame them, pressure them or put conditions on your friendship, and try not to give advice. Don't wait for them to come to you as they may not feel comfortable doing so but in the same way, don't pressure them to talk- they may not feel safe or able to.
If you think you may be being abused, London Nightline is able to listen to you and provide support, and can also provide specific information about abuse and further support you may need.
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