“I just don’t think I’d ever get depressed, because I don’t have a weak mind. No offence.”
I can still remember exactly how I felt when one of my best friends said that to me at the end of a discussion about my latest bout of depression. I remember hours later thinking that I should have told him that nobody says that they’ll never break their leg, because they don’t have weak bones. I should have said that putting “no offence” at the end of an offensive statement didn’t make it any less hurtful. I should have directed him to a dozen different sites to show him just how wrong he was. But I didn’t. I laughed and shrugged it off and let it fester, instead. Healthy, I know.
The thing is that – appalled though I was – I could still see where he was coming from. Before I got depressed, I had many misconceptions about mental health. Those misconceptions made it a lot more difficult for me to get help when I did get ill: after all, if I thought it, why wouldn’t anyone else?
So, for everyone and anyone who struggles to understand mental health, here is a list of the things I wish I’d known before I had depression.
1. You don’t have to have had a traumatic experience or a bad childhood. I firmly believed that A led to B, which made you feel C. As a result, I didn’t talk to anyone; I couldn’t blame anything for why I felt the way I did.
2. Depression doesn’t necessarily lead to complete inertia. The classic view of depression is of someone in a bed, with not enough energy to move. Don’t get me wrong, I had days like that (actually, I had weeks like that). But I could also go out, interact with people. I used those moments as a way of beating myself up: if I could do one thing, why couldn’t I do this other thing? If I could get up yesterday, why couldn’t I get up today?
3. If pills don’t work, they’re the problem – not you. The first lot of medication I ever got put on made me feel like I had a constant lump in my throat and, somehow, led to me feeling worse than I had before. My reaction was to use this as a sign that I had been faking, that I did not deserve help and that I shouldn’t bother the doctor any more. But, actually, what works for one person might not work for another: when I got my second serious bout of depression, a couple of years later, I was frog-marched to the doctor, who put me on different pills. They helped. All I had to do was ask.
4. Your friends are more understanding than you think. I suffered – and still do – from a major case of imposter syndrome: nobody would like me as I really am, so I have to behave in the way that is expected of someone that people will like. When you're depressed, that feeling only intensifies; it's as if your depression is an abuser, cutting you off from your nearest and dearest. But, guess what? I told my friends, they rallied round. I told my parents, the world didn't end. You have a support network: use it. Especially in the bad times.
5. Depression is selfish, you are not. I missed friends' birthdays, nights out, celebrations and milestones when I was depressed. Each time it happened, I used it as a reason to despise myself more – and, perversely, made me feel like I was doing people a favour: I was a terrible person, so nobody would have wanted me there anyway. But I wouldn't have felt that way if I had had, say, the flu. It would have been unfortunate, but it couldn't be helped: I was ill. Once I started realising that about my depression, it made me feel less terrible about being a bit of a flake.
Those are just five of the things I wish I'd known – but the sixth, and most important? I wish I'd known that I wasn't alone. I wish I'd known that there was someone I could talk to, who wouldn't criticise me or try to make me feel better with well-meant but ill-judged platitudes. In short: I wish I'd known about Nightline.
Because being ill and asking for help is never the sign of a weak person. It's a sign of strength. And it's about time people got their heads around that.
- One of our wonderful anonymous bloggers, who we love dearly.
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